What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 02:51
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
In what ways Indian parents are destroying their children's life?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I never cut or harmed myself..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why are the Chinese so sensitive to Western criticism?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We all went to grammer schools
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
(And it was in our own minds.)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I have no regrets .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Would this be the day?
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
This is soul school!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
All the time i was locked up.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I will be 64.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She married twice! .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was very sick at this time too.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Who then, do I blame.?
As i do to all so called friends.?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was in good health!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She wouldn,t have been !
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Put me off passion for life!!
And i lived it daily.
So, i spoilt her more .
She found it foreign!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But, we were locked up after school.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was 9 years of age.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were not on the streets..
It was going to be , some day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was scared of men, in general
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was seconnd youngest,
One cannot live in the past .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My family never makes their pension either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But it wasn’t much.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
What did i know ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He knew the spot.
I said to her
I think the readers, may guess!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
When she asked me how she looked .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im still living with it.
Comes on , in middle age.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She loved him until the end.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I write beautiful poetry .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I waited trembling.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My life is so biszare .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I don,t even have a pension.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So whats the point in blame.
Ive learnt so much.